8 posts tagged “lesbian”

I decided to abandon the thought of some chronological journey through the transformational experiences.  Since there isn't a clear roadmap for anyone to follow, the chronology isn't really important to this exercise. So...

The changepoint I want to share in this post is that of coming clean.  I really only recognize this as a transformational experience in hindsight.  There was not even one thing that told me back then (eighteen years ago) that the cumulative changes would be so radical.  So, when it began to occur to me that I needed to talk about some stuff, I had no idea what ALL I would need to talk about.

I didn't have words to describe it back then.  Today I recognize this "coming clean" as something like a moral inventory.  Or, some might recognize it as steps 4 & 5 in a Twelve Step program.  What I was experiencing was an overwhelming realization of just HOW MUCH and just HOW DEEP my hidden stuff was.  I wasn't trying to draw lines to connect my homosexual inclinations to my history of curious misdeeds as a child or to my isolated explorations of sexuality through explicit novels.  I wasn't trying to define my homosexual "sin" as I wasn't really perceiving it as "sin."  What was happening was an experience within myself where I was, somehow, associating my curiosities, hiddenness and explorations to my current inclinations.  I felt the need to bring out the history.

Before that day, it had never occurred to me that anything of my past experiences had even one thing to do with my current experiences.  I really wasn't THAT self-aware.  I had sectioned off my darker leanings from a very, very religious self.  Prior to that day, I didn't feel guilty when I indulged in the shadow-self.  I did experience long periods of "disconnect" in my religious self.  For that matter, I felt very disconnected in relationships with friends and family. 

As I began to make this inventory, I remember one of the first items on my list: "Took playmate under the bed in my parent's room when I was 4 or 5."  It wasn't the childish play that occurred to me in that notation.  What I suddenly remembered was the manipulation to get my friend in there with me.  Also, I lied to my dad about what we were doing.  It was strange to remember those parts of that childhood experience.  It was like being reminded that I had a conscience and yet chose to ignore it.

Anyway, my list began to take shape in much the same way.  One item after another was added to my inventory and with items were the memories of historical deceptions which were instigated by me (for the most part).  Also on that inventory were a few things my friends did which violated my conscience.  Things like my childhood friend going potty outside and her telling me to not tell my parents made the list.  Minor, I know. It was a hot secret for a little kid to carry.

The list included explicit novels, sensual experiences, manipulations and deceptions which surrounded my private, sexual life up until that day at 28-years old.

The list was absolutely giant.  The hens, so to speak, were coming home to roost.  I was shocked at the cumulative power of my own history.  I concluded to myself that I was what I was.  I simply had no thought that I would ever be anything different that what was revealed on those pages.

A few days later I got with a trusted friend and began to go through this list.  I talked about what I had done AND about any decisions I made to either manipulate or deceive or to ignore my conscience.  This was not an emotional exercise for me.  There weren't tears really.  It felt heavy.  It felt hard.  It felt confusing.  (It was a dreary drudgery for me.)  I didn't feel the immediacy of Christ's presence.  I didn't feel really "connected" to my friend as I shared.  Really, I hated this little exercise I had taken on and couldn't believe it was taking so long.

When I was done (this actually took all night) my friend directed me to God with my list.  All I really remember was telling God something like:  "Well, here it is.  I don't know what to do with it." 

I wish I could tell you that I felt "light-as-a-feather" but I didn't.  I felt dead.

Looking back to that day (those days), I think it was one of the most important exercises of my life.  Very few items have surfaced that somehow were overlooked in my initial list.  What happened is that my conscience began to be sensitive again and I began to live and to feel more clear.  The feeling of death really hung around for a while.  It didn't begin to lift for me until I got into some good counseling and began to talk regularly about my inner world.  Ah, but that is for a different post.

Some of the comments are interesting.  I've said it before and will again that I'm more than a little puzzled at dispute.  Why is it that when a person says they are "gay" it is easily believed; then, if someone says they are "no longer gay" it is disputed?  In each case a person declares himself or herself as one thing or another.  These declarations are not scientifically derived. These statements are not objective.  If folks go to court as gay or straight couples, the legal system does not demand "proofs" that the couple is either gay or straight.  Our self-declarations are enough.

I think that the ex-gay faces such a different scrutiny.  Take one of "them" to the media, for example, and their introductions will say that they "claim" to no longer be gay.  Or (and I think this is worse), they will simply be told that they are wrong about themselves.  YOU, they'll be told, are in denial. 

It is the strangest experience of my life!  What thoughts, behaviors and inclinations use to define my life are no longer the measures of my life and existence.  It has been many years.  More importantly to me is that I was experiencing this internal and external transformation for many years before I entered into a marriage.  The marriage didn't make me MORE changed...but did continue to draw out transformational experiences.

I plan to take this theme from post to post as a personal exercise and plan to share SOME of the transformational experiences I have walked through.  Wish me luck as I plan to keep these posts open to the public.

Well, that is how the reports are being given.  Gasp!  It's amazing!  A MAN is pregnant!

Except...

He isn't/wasn't a man. 

Well, he's been reassigned.  It is a legal issue.  He is legally a man.

Boing Boing's account

And such is the rhythm of our days.  He is a man because he says he is a man. 

But, he is a WOMB-man.  He has a womb.  He was born with it and elected to keep his internal female anatomy when he elected to have all the rest removed.  By "all the rest" I mean to say that he had his female chest removed and took testosterone therapy and grew facial hair.  He probably didn't elect to buy a penis.  It wasn't mentioned.

What an amazing thing. 

Fox News' better account  This account reports HER as a transsexual woman.

I think it is irresponsible to say that a MAN is pregnant.  There is no miracle here.

Well, pregnancy and birth is a miracle but THIS slant on it is NOT a miracle. 

If I consider the article posted the The Advocate, these folks are, in fact, a lesbian couple.  They are buying donor sperm. He/she went off the testosterone treatments and has temporarily embraced his/HER ability to carry a child.  The Advocate called it a "labor of love."  OH!  For crying out loud!

Since they brought it up, I have to question the idea of reassignment surgery for them because it has psychological implications too.  Didn't HE divorce himself for his identity as a woman?  Isn't this a situation of side-stepping what he says he has embraced?  He called himself his own surrogate!  Yikes!

Somebody help me.  I thought Dr. Alex Hesse was the first man...as played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1994 movie, "Junior."

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.  It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies.  The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."  ~ C.S. Lewis from God In The Dock: Essays In Theology and Ethics

This quote did not come from a commentary on spiritual abuse but from an essay on the Humanitarian Theory of Punishment.  This is conjuring images of the benevolent abusers.  I am thinking about closed systems of households, churches and even many bloggers from many backgrounds as I consider this quotation.  I feel it is important to recognize the shaming component I am capable of hefting out on the heads of those I love and want to protect.  It is powerful to consider that it really might be better to be under the greedy tyrant than under the religious tyrant, for example.

As I consider the other belief systems of other bloggers who don't agree with me in the least, I am challenged to consider that their moral mountaintop may not be any less abusive than a religious tyrant's .  I am considering a challenge that is being sent around by Dr.Warren Throckmorton to live the golden rule.  That one rule might change my life.  The truth is, I do live it pretty decisively but I could use better adherence. 

I probably have a lot to say here but I want to post so that my blog doesn't get any more cold than it already is.  I want to affirm that true things apply to us all.  I really hate being called naive or bigoted or hate-mongering or homophobic simply because I am a living testimony that homosexual leanings and attractions are, indeed, redeemable and changeable.  Lots of people really are finding real freedom. 

Thanks for visiting my loose thoughts.

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."  Luke 6:31

Does this mean I can vote?

Eighteen years ago this month, I began to repent and turn to God.  The result was the eventual turning from my various gay attractions, rampant lying, fear-driven reactions and general weirdness. (I'm still weird.)  In short, I was not in a good place.  People talk at times of "healing" or "deliverance" from homosexuality, immorality, addictions and whatever.  My experience has not been a zip-boom-bah approach of instant change.  My journey has been MANY changes and many moments of truth leading to change.  I have never been one to experience any kind of instant, make-the-gay-go-away moments.  Each place of repentance has changed me completely.  Add up all the complete changes...and I'm perfect?

I weary of the all-or-nothing way of communicating about the Christian leaving homosexuality.  Every other thing a PERSON does to change ANYTHING is a progressive series of decisions and changes.  All one needs to do is make a budget and try to keep that budget to see clearly just how many decisions must follow the one decision.

Eighteen is a pretty big number.  What I once was, I am no longer.  This isn't deep, but it is true.

Migrated today from myspace.  Written in August...

National Geographic is broadcasting a show called 9/11.  I cannot imagine what it must have been like.  The Oklahoma City bombing was its own terror.  Multiply that in a very populous city and several giant buildings and the whole thing seems unimaginable.

How can even real believers not feel the drama or the sense that the world is coming to a quick end?  Though we do not grieve as people who have no hope, it is dark at times.

People like me with testimonies like mine are being targeted and watched.  This is no "drama queen"stuff here.  It is dangerous to say that Jesus has called you out of homosexuality.

SO

JESUS IS THE ONE WHO CALLED ME TO LEAVE HOMOSEXUALITY!  I LEFT IT!  I am not asking your opinion of whther you agree or not. Feel free to comment but what I am saying is true.  It has been 17 years this week.  It was HIS CHOICE and that is what HE required of me.

17 years have passed.  I have NO regrets!  

http://www.catalystpeople.com/secretplace/readingroom.php?article=17

This is from Terry Clark. I couldn't have handled this question better.  Honestly, sometimes I'm tired of answering this question for the very reason Terry wrote; so, I've quoted it entirely.

You might enjoy him as a worshiper as well.

How Can a Loving God...

Just not saying man is fallen, will not change reality.

How can a gracious/loving God send people to hell? That question is based in arrogance and the allusion that the questioner is actually relating to grace. Since arrogance cannot fathom grace, thats impertinence.

The question that is more appropriate, since the questioner relates well to judgement, is: How can a perfect and holy God countenance any human?

Only in addressing the despicable state of man and the wrath in store can we see the depth of grace given in Jesus. He has given Himself to be our perfection and holiness.

Grace is a gift received. A gift that wells up and askes to be given again.

Well, it is the nature of my life that sometimes blogging will not happen because PEOPLE happen in my life.  The day-to-day routine is that of mentoring, helping, exhorting, and generally, walking people through their journeys toward better relationships, better emotional health and better choices.

I returned late yesterday from 3 days in Wichita, KS where we held the Exodus Mid-Central Region's Conference.  This of the Exodus membership which basically means he is in charge of serving the needs of the Exodus Member ministries.  Great man!  He really speaks to the cultural need for clarity in the gospel message.  He even said that even minor compromises in moral areas can bring a reproach on the whole message of Jesus redeeming mankind. 

I spoke on two needful topics in this area ofgathering draws not only participants from various active ministries throughout this region but also draws men and women searching for information in general in this culture of exploration about sexuality.  The conference is primarily spiritual in nature with an emphasis on practical discipleship and encouragement.  However, some emphasis is always given to the need to respond to issues that are evident within our culture and the general encouragement to be loving, people of faith.

We benefitted greatly from keynote speaker, Melissa Fryrear who spoke well to biblical interpretations of sex and sexuality.  This talk made no judgments regarding homosexuality but really spoke beautifully to the imagery of scripture regarding Christ, our bridegroom and the Church, his bride. 

Randy Thomas was also present.  He is the director  ministering to the sexually and relationally broken.  I presented a talk about how to make friends and how to lose them.  I also spoke to women about sexual addiction.  Both talks were modestly attended but I really was pleased with the turnout for the sexually addicted woman.  That was a first time that I know of in an Exodus related ministry.  I'd like to refine it much more but for the first time out it was okay.

Thanks to all my brothers and sisters in Christ who pursue Jesus with all their hearts.  You guys were truly an encouragement to me this weekend.