7 posts tagged “homosexuality”

The issues are many for those who are attempting to make changes in their lives.  Whether a person is trying to stop eating foods that are ill-advised or attempting to stop speeding in their cars, there are many decisions and reaffirmations of the goal required in order to successfully navigate through the emotions, physical, mental and spiritual obstacles that present when trying to make a change.  This is no different for someone who is trying to make healthy choices in relationship.  Randy Thomas at ETC:  Everyday Thoughts Collected has written on the topic of leaving emotionally destructive relationships.  I appreciate his clarity and wisdom.  Enjoy the article and let me/him/us know what you think.

I decided to abandon the thought of some chronological journey through the transformational experiences.  Since there isn't a clear roadmap for anyone to follow, the chronology isn't really important to this exercise. So...

The changepoint I want to share in this post is that of coming clean.  I really only recognize this as a transformational experience in hindsight.  There was not even one thing that told me back then (eighteen years ago) that the cumulative changes would be so radical.  So, when it began to occur to me that I needed to talk about some stuff, I had no idea what ALL I would need to talk about.

I didn't have words to describe it back then.  Today I recognize this "coming clean" as something like a moral inventory.  Or, some might recognize it as steps 4 & 5 in a Twelve Step program.  What I was experiencing was an overwhelming realization of just HOW MUCH and just HOW DEEP my hidden stuff was.  I wasn't trying to draw lines to connect my homosexual inclinations to my history of curious misdeeds as a child or to my isolated explorations of sexuality through explicit novels.  I wasn't trying to define my homosexual "sin" as I wasn't really perceiving it as "sin."  What was happening was an experience within myself where I was, somehow, associating my curiosities, hiddenness and explorations to my current inclinations.  I felt the need to bring out the history.

Before that day, it had never occurred to me that anything of my past experiences had even one thing to do with my current experiences.  I really wasn't THAT self-aware.  I had sectioned off my darker leanings from a very, very religious self.  Prior to that day, I didn't feel guilty when I indulged in the shadow-self.  I did experience long periods of "disconnect" in my religious self.  For that matter, I felt very disconnected in relationships with friends and family. 

As I began to make this inventory, I remember one of the first items on my list: "Took playmate under the bed in my parent's room when I was 4 or 5."  It wasn't the childish play that occurred to me in that notation.  What I suddenly remembered was the manipulation to get my friend in there with me.  Also, I lied to my dad about what we were doing.  It was strange to remember those parts of that childhood experience.  It was like being reminded that I had a conscience and yet chose to ignore it.

Anyway, my list began to take shape in much the same way.  One item after another was added to my inventory and with items were the memories of historical deceptions which were instigated by me (for the most part).  Also on that inventory were a few things my friends did which violated my conscience.  Things like my childhood friend going potty outside and her telling me to not tell my parents made the list.  Minor, I know. It was a hot secret for a little kid to carry.

The list included explicit novels, sensual experiences, manipulations and deceptions which surrounded my private, sexual life up until that day at 28-years old.

The list was absolutely giant.  The hens, so to speak, were coming home to roost.  I was shocked at the cumulative power of my own history.  I concluded to myself that I was what I was.  I simply had no thought that I would ever be anything different that what was revealed on those pages.

A few days later I got with a trusted friend and began to go through this list.  I talked about what I had done AND about any decisions I made to either manipulate or deceive or to ignore my conscience.  This was not an emotional exercise for me.  There weren't tears really.  It felt heavy.  It felt hard.  It felt confusing.  (It was a dreary drudgery for me.)  I didn't feel the immediacy of Christ's presence.  I didn't feel really "connected" to my friend as I shared.  Really, I hated this little exercise I had taken on and couldn't believe it was taking so long.

When I was done (this actually took all night) my friend directed me to God with my list.  All I really remember was telling God something like:  "Well, here it is.  I don't know what to do with it." 

I wish I could tell you that I felt "light-as-a-feather" but I didn't.  I felt dead.

Looking back to that day (those days), I think it was one of the most important exercises of my life.  Very few items have surfaced that somehow were overlooked in my initial list.  What happened is that my conscience began to be sensitive again and I began to live and to feel more clear.  The feeling of death really hung around for a while.  It didn't begin to lift for me until I got into some good counseling and began to talk regularly about my inner world.  Ah, but that is for a different post.

Does this mean I can vote?

Eighteen years ago this month, I began to repent and turn to God.  The result was the eventual turning from my various gay attractions, rampant lying, fear-driven reactions and general weirdness. (I'm still weird.)  In short, I was not in a good place.  People talk at times of "healing" or "deliverance" from homosexuality, immorality, addictions and whatever.  My experience has not been a zip-boom-bah approach of instant change.  My journey has been MANY changes and many moments of truth leading to change.  I have never been one to experience any kind of instant, make-the-gay-go-away moments.  Each place of repentance has changed me completely.  Add up all the complete changes...and I'm perfect?

I weary of the all-or-nothing way of communicating about the Christian leaving homosexuality.  Every other thing a PERSON does to change ANYTHING is a progressive series of decisions and changes.  All one needs to do is make a budget and try to keep that budget to see clearly just how many decisions must follow the one decision.

Eighteen is a pretty big number.  What I once was, I am no longer.  This isn't deep, but it is true.

Django: [showing the exterminator shop to Remy with the dead rats in the window] The world we live in belongs to the enemy, we must live carefully. We look out for our own kind, Remy. When all is said and done, we're all we've got.
[Django starts to walk away]
Remy: [defiantly] No. Dad, I don't believe it. You're telling me that the future is - can only be - more of this?
Django: This is the way things are; you can't change nature.
Remy: Change is nature, Dad. The part that we can influence. And it starts when we decide.
Django: [Remy turns to leave] Where are you going?
Remy: Hopefully, forward.

quote from Ratatouille

I was deeply encouraged by this statement.  The fact remains that things "change" all the time...and people "change" all the time.   I think the arguments exist because we can all be so dogmatic.  Change, for me, followed a decision.

Migrated today from myspace.  Written in August...

National Geographic is broadcasting a show called 9/11.  I cannot imagine what it must have been like.  The Oklahoma City bombing was its own terror.  Multiply that in a very populous city and several giant buildings and the whole thing seems unimaginable.

How can even real believers not feel the drama or the sense that the world is coming to a quick end?  Though we do not grieve as people who have no hope, it is dark at times.

People like me with testimonies like mine are being targeted and watched.  This is no "drama queen"stuff here.  It is dangerous to say that Jesus has called you out of homosexuality.

SO

JESUS IS THE ONE WHO CALLED ME TO LEAVE HOMOSEXUALITY!  I LEFT IT!  I am not asking your opinion of whther you agree or not. Feel free to comment but what I am saying is true.  It has been 17 years this week.  It was HIS CHOICE and that is what HE required of me.

17 years have passed.  I have NO regrets!  

http://www.catalystpeople.com/secretplace/readingroom.php?article=17

This is from Terry Clark. I couldn't have handled this question better.  Honestly, sometimes I'm tired of answering this question for the very reason Terry wrote; so, I've quoted it entirely.

You might enjoy him as a worshiper as well.

How Can a Loving God...

Just not saying man is fallen, will not change reality.

How can a gracious/loving God send people to hell? That question is based in arrogance and the allusion that the questioner is actually relating to grace. Since arrogance cannot fathom grace, thats impertinence.

The question that is more appropriate, since the questioner relates well to judgement, is: How can a perfect and holy God countenance any human?

Only in addressing the despicable state of man and the wrath in store can we see the depth of grace given in Jesus. He has given Himself to be our perfection and holiness.

Grace is a gift received. A gift that wells up and askes to be given again.

Well, it is the nature of my life that sometimes blogging will not happen because PEOPLE happen in my life.  The day-to-day routine is that of mentoring, helping, exhorting, and generally, walking people through their journeys toward better relationships, better emotional health and better choices.

I returned late yesterday from 3 days in Wichita, KS where we held the Exodus Mid-Central Region's Conference.  This of the Exodus membership which basically means he is in charge of serving the needs of the Exodus Member ministries.  Great man!  He really speaks to the cultural need for clarity in the gospel message.  He even said that even minor compromises in moral areas can bring a reproach on the whole message of Jesus redeeming mankind. 

I spoke on two needful topics in this area ofgathering draws not only participants from various active ministries throughout this region but also draws men and women searching for information in general in this culture of exploration about sexuality.  The conference is primarily spiritual in nature with an emphasis on practical discipleship and encouragement.  However, some emphasis is always given to the need to respond to issues that are evident within our culture and the general encouragement to be loving, people of faith.

We benefitted greatly from keynote speaker, Melissa Fryrear who spoke well to biblical interpretations of sex and sexuality.  This talk made no judgments regarding homosexuality but really spoke beautifully to the imagery of scripture regarding Christ, our bridegroom and the Church, his bride. 

Randy Thomas was also present.  He is the director  ministering to the sexually and relationally broken.  I presented a talk about how to make friends and how to lose them.  I also spoke to women about sexual addiction.  Both talks were modestly attended but I really was pleased with the turnout for the sexually addicted woman.  That was a first time that I know of in an Exodus related ministry.  I'd like to refine it much more but for the first time out it was okay.

Thanks to all my brothers and sisters in Christ who pursue Jesus with all their hearts.  You guys were truly an encouragement to me this weekend.