8 posts tagged “ex-gay”

I decided to abandon the thought of some chronological journey through the transformational experiences.  Since there isn't a clear roadmap for anyone to follow, the chronology isn't really important to this exercise. So...

The changepoint I want to share in this post is that of coming clean.  I really only recognize this as a transformational experience in hindsight.  There was not even one thing that told me back then (eighteen years ago) that the cumulative changes would be so radical.  So, when it began to occur to me that I needed to talk about some stuff, I had no idea what ALL I would need to talk about.

I didn't have words to describe it back then.  Today I recognize this "coming clean" as something like a moral inventory.  Or, some might recognize it as steps 4 & 5 in a Twelve Step program.  What I was experiencing was an overwhelming realization of just HOW MUCH and just HOW DEEP my hidden stuff was.  I wasn't trying to draw lines to connect my homosexual inclinations to my history of curious misdeeds as a child or to my isolated explorations of sexuality through explicit novels.  I wasn't trying to define my homosexual "sin" as I wasn't really perceiving it as "sin."  What was happening was an experience within myself where I was, somehow, associating my curiosities, hiddenness and explorations to my current inclinations.  I felt the need to bring out the history.

Before that day, it had never occurred to me that anything of my past experiences had even one thing to do with my current experiences.  I really wasn't THAT self-aware.  I had sectioned off my darker leanings from a very, very religious self.  Prior to that day, I didn't feel guilty when I indulged in the shadow-self.  I did experience long periods of "disconnect" in my religious self.  For that matter, I felt very disconnected in relationships with friends and family. 

As I began to make this inventory, I remember one of the first items on my list: "Took playmate under the bed in my parent's room when I was 4 or 5."  It wasn't the childish play that occurred to me in that notation.  What I suddenly remembered was the manipulation to get my friend in there with me.  Also, I lied to my dad about what we were doing.  It was strange to remember those parts of that childhood experience.  It was like being reminded that I had a conscience and yet chose to ignore it.

Anyway, my list began to take shape in much the same way.  One item after another was added to my inventory and with items were the memories of historical deceptions which were instigated by me (for the most part).  Also on that inventory were a few things my friends did which violated my conscience.  Things like my childhood friend going potty outside and her telling me to not tell my parents made the list.  Minor, I know. It was a hot secret for a little kid to carry.

The list included explicit novels, sensual experiences, manipulations and deceptions which surrounded my private, sexual life up until that day at 28-years old.

The list was absolutely giant.  The hens, so to speak, were coming home to roost.  I was shocked at the cumulative power of my own history.  I concluded to myself that I was what I was.  I simply had no thought that I would ever be anything different that what was revealed on those pages.

A few days later I got with a trusted friend and began to go through this list.  I talked about what I had done AND about any decisions I made to either manipulate or deceive or to ignore my conscience.  This was not an emotional exercise for me.  There weren't tears really.  It felt heavy.  It felt hard.  It felt confusing.  (It was a dreary drudgery for me.)  I didn't feel the immediacy of Christ's presence.  I didn't feel really "connected" to my friend as I shared.  Really, I hated this little exercise I had taken on and couldn't believe it was taking so long.

When I was done (this actually took all night) my friend directed me to God with my list.  All I really remember was telling God something like:  "Well, here it is.  I don't know what to do with it." 

I wish I could tell you that I felt "light-as-a-feather" but I didn't.  I felt dead.

Looking back to that day (those days), I think it was one of the most important exercises of my life.  Very few items have surfaced that somehow were overlooked in my initial list.  What happened is that my conscience began to be sensitive again and I began to live and to feel more clear.  The feeling of death really hung around for a while.  It didn't begin to lift for me until I got into some good counseling and began to talk regularly about my inner world.  Ah, but that is for a different post.

Some of the comments are interesting.  I've said it before and will again that I'm more than a little puzzled at dispute.  Why is it that when a person says they are "gay" it is easily believed; then, if someone says they are "no longer gay" it is disputed?  In each case a person declares himself or herself as one thing or another.  These declarations are not scientifically derived. These statements are not objective.  If folks go to court as gay or straight couples, the legal system does not demand "proofs" that the couple is either gay or straight.  Our self-declarations are enough.

I think that the ex-gay faces such a different scrutiny.  Take one of "them" to the media, for example, and their introductions will say that they "claim" to no longer be gay.  Or (and I think this is worse), they will simply be told that they are wrong about themselves.  YOU, they'll be told, are in denial. 

It is the strangest experience of my life!  What thoughts, behaviors and inclinations use to define my life are no longer the measures of my life and existence.  It has been many years.  More importantly to me is that I was experiencing this internal and external transformation for many years before I entered into a marriage.  The marriage didn't make me MORE changed...but did continue to draw out transformational experiences.

I plan to take this theme from post to post as a personal exercise and plan to share SOME of the transformational experiences I have walked through.  Wish me luck as I plan to keep these posts open to the public.

Well, here is a fancy but abbreviated expression of my story and the stories of Dennis Jernigan and Stephen Black.  Please watch it when you have a chance.  Clicking on the link will take you to First Stone Ministries' website and begin video play immediately.

Freedom Video

FSM_Freedom_DVD_Art___for_web_use

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.  It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies.  The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."  ~ C.S. Lewis from God In The Dock: Essays In Theology and Ethics

This quote did not come from a commentary on spiritual abuse but from an essay on the Humanitarian Theory of Punishment.  This is conjuring images of the benevolent abusers.  I am thinking about closed systems of households, churches and even many bloggers from many backgrounds as I consider this quotation.  I feel it is important to recognize the shaming component I am capable of hefting out on the heads of those I love and want to protect.  It is powerful to consider that it really might be better to be under the greedy tyrant than under the religious tyrant, for example.

As I consider the other belief systems of other bloggers who don't agree with me in the least, I am challenged to consider that their moral mountaintop may not be any less abusive than a religious tyrant's .  I am considering a challenge that is being sent around by Dr.Warren Throckmorton to live the golden rule.  That one rule might change my life.  The truth is, I do live it pretty decisively but I could use better adherence. 

I probably have a lot to say here but I want to post so that my blog doesn't get any more cold than it already is.  I want to affirm that true things apply to us all.  I really hate being called naive or bigoted or hate-mongering or homophobic simply because I am a living testimony that homosexual leanings and attractions are, indeed, redeemable and changeable.  Lots of people really are finding real freedom. 

Thanks for visiting my loose thoughts.

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."  Luke 6:31

Does this mean I can vote?

Eighteen years ago this month, I began to repent and turn to God.  The result was the eventual turning from my various gay attractions, rampant lying, fear-driven reactions and general weirdness. (I'm still weird.)  In short, I was not in a good place.  People talk at times of "healing" or "deliverance" from homosexuality, immorality, addictions and whatever.  My experience has not been a zip-boom-bah approach of instant change.  My journey has been MANY changes and many moments of truth leading to change.  I have never been one to experience any kind of instant, make-the-gay-go-away moments.  Each place of repentance has changed me completely.  Add up all the complete changes...and I'm perfect?

I weary of the all-or-nothing way of communicating about the Christian leaving homosexuality.  Every other thing a PERSON does to change ANYTHING is a progressive series of decisions and changes.  All one needs to do is make a budget and try to keep that budget to see clearly just how many decisions must follow the one decision.

Eighteen is a pretty big number.  What I once was, I am no longer.  This isn't deep, but it is true.

Django: [showing the exterminator shop to Remy with the dead rats in the window] The world we live in belongs to the enemy, we must live carefully. We look out for our own kind, Remy. When all is said and done, we're all we've got.
[Django starts to walk away]
Remy: [defiantly] No. Dad, I don't believe it. You're telling me that the future is - can only be - more of this?
Django: This is the way things are; you can't change nature.
Remy: Change is nature, Dad. The part that we can influence. And it starts when we decide.
Django: [Remy turns to leave] Where are you going?
Remy: Hopefully, forward.

quote from Ratatouille

I was deeply encouraged by this statement.  The fact remains that things "change" all the time...and people "change" all the time.   I think the arguments exist because we can all be so dogmatic.  Change, for me, followed a decision.

I read with interest Randy Thomas' interview with Marine Corporal Matt Sanchez.  The controversy surrounding Cpl. Sanchez resides with the fact that Sanchez had once starred in gay porn features under the character name of Rod Majors.  This fact was revealed by gay bloggers (some of whom I read lightly but find some of the material quite bawdy and inappropriate for someone in ministry to read) and verified by Sanchez himself.  It is as though the man is considered hypocritical primarily because he has a gay (or gay porn) history and yet aligns himself with conservative politics--calling himself a "Regan Republican."

I suppose this wouldn't have been such an issue except for the recent activity of Cpl. Sanchez in the conservative political arena.

In Randy's interview with Sanchez, they talked about the political position of the Corporal, his activism on behalf of vetrans, his gay-porn past and his moral code.  A couple of comments by Sanchez early in the interview I will glean now for you and then I request that you go read the interview and share YOUR thoughts with Randy.  It is worth signing in to add YOUR VOICE to the comments over on his blog. 

I posted this comment in response to the article:

Good interview. I'll be reposting this on my blog because it intrigues me so.

William Wilson responded to your decision to edit his comments with "so much for certain Christians and the truth..." Nothing in this interview concerns me. As you've stated in other posts recently, there really is a problem, in the view of many, with a man or woman changing the way they choose to live their lives. That point of view (Willim's included) certainly undermines the power of the mere human to make drastic changes in their lives simply because they want change. Add to that the additional power afforded mere humans through conversion or other meaningful spiritual experiences and we see humans changing all the time.

Additionally, I don't see the problem with someone continuing to try to make such changes even if they relapse. Anything that is strongly addictive or deeply seated requires LOTS of active choosing over long periods of time to make changes. I'm still a work in progress regarding my sexually addicted, lesbian past...Yet, at the 17-year mark I have to say that it is a very rare day that I deal with any significant sexual temptation of any kind and I'm glad I've done the work required to find that peaceful place.

Anyway, I appreciate this post and Sanchez's clear direction and his effort in living with some moral code and direction. As a conservative, I've got no problem with this man's history.

Matt Sanchez on his gay-porn history as told to Randy Thomas: 

I had already confessed everything up with my recruiter.  He saw the pictures, someone sent them to him anonymously and he asked if I was a homosexual. I said no.

I own up to what happened and what I did. I think one of the ironic things was that I truly felt I was only harming myself and not anyone else hold on.  Like I said, I thought I was just getting involved in social suicide but it turns out that I was actually getting involved in a fairly warped life-style, a lifestyle of setting oneself up as a type of idol and then worshiping my own silly fantasy of myself. At the time, it meant "freedom" now I see it meant a type of prison. Freedom from societal restraints. Now, I see it's society that threatens to restrain me for my participation and those images. 

Matt Sanchez on the Marine code as told to Randy Thomas:

You're constantly placed under enormous pressure and often your only way of being "saved" is turning toward the Marine method. Honor, Courage, and Committment are the 3 commandments.  There's a lot of leeway, but if you follow those tenets, you're generally ok. 

When Randy asked how gay sexuality would affect the Marine Corps, Cpl. Sanchez replied:

The Marine Corps just passed a ruling on excessive tattooing because it was generally becoming disruptive by putting the individualism of body art ahead of the Marine Corps duties.  By that same token, the "I'm here, I'm queer" mindset is a self-indulgent ideology that clashes with the "The Few the Proud" mentality of self-sacrifice and team work.  On another level, sex and sexual action is a huge issue in the Marine Corps even with female Marines and their interaction with male Marines.  You simply can't overlook sex in the military it breaks down the command structure and damages authority in ways that have no parallel in civilian society. The needs of the Marine Corps are inherently different than the needs for the student body of a college campus. So, the gay movement or black power movement or latino pride movement are counter-intuitive to the mindset of the Corps. There are no "Latino Marines, or Black Marines or Chinese Marines, there are just Marines.  In that way, they're not different from Christians who have a non-segregation "We are all God's children" approach to their fellow Christians.

Matt Sanchez on the political fray as told to Randy Thomas:

Activists want my head gay conservatives and conservatives in general think it's a non-issue and are much more concerned with who I am today. There's a huge ideological difference as well. The difference between who can change and whether one is simply born into a situation and unable to get out of it. Gay fundamentalist are original sinners, they're very frustrated because they truly feel they were 'born that way" and have no choice. These are the people who love to tell me I was in those films therefore I am "damned for life" they also feel their sexuality makes them "marked men" or people who are eternally on the fringe and that there's no need to do anything but "accept" oneself anything else would be self-loathing

Each of these points are interesting to me in that conservatives are considered to be non-thinking, closed-minded and religious.  Regarding this last clipped comment, Sanchez correctly points out that the issue is ideological.  There are some that believe that people cannot change.  I'd go further and say that entertaining the idea that people CAN change is opposed because it leaves the possibility open that people can change.  In my short time out here in blogworld, I am learning that the possibility of change is the fearsome and terrible LIE (oooooh!) that the gay fundamentalist is trying to squash forever.

I like this comment from Sanchez:

...marked man ideologues. These are reductionists who feel you are what you do and you are stained for ever.  This is the bulk of the gay fundamentalists, the anti-religious, the pro-abortionists constituents these are the people who feel you're "born that way" by that token, child molesters are just born that way, and should be "forgiven" for just doing what comes natural. These people tend to be very hostile to anything above their homemade philosophy of me-as-god. 

With all that said, I'd like to point you to Randy's posts about Sanchez.  First is the original post, here.  Next is the interview, here.

Migrated today from myspace.  Written in August...

National Geographic is broadcasting a show called 9/11.  I cannot imagine what it must have been like.  The Oklahoma City bombing was its own terror.  Multiply that in a very populous city and several giant buildings and the whole thing seems unimaginable.

How can even real believers not feel the drama or the sense that the world is coming to a quick end?  Though we do not grieve as people who have no hope, it is dark at times.

People like me with testimonies like mine are being targeted and watched.  This is no "drama queen"stuff here.  It is dangerous to say that Jesus has called you out of homosexuality.

SO

JESUS IS THE ONE WHO CALLED ME TO LEAVE HOMOSEXUALITY!  I LEFT IT!  I am not asking your opinion of whther you agree or not. Feel free to comment but what I am saying is true.  It has been 17 years this week.  It was HIS CHOICE and that is what HE required of me.

17 years have passed.  I have NO regrets!